Looking Deeper
Who? What? Where? When?
Book Study Group Exploration of Chapter 14, Looking Deeper (Soul without Shame)
Most of you reading this piece of writing are not reading the book that our study group is reading and exploring. That said, I’m sharing here (in Substack) my own inquiry as I read the material and often, I share snippets that we as a group are gleaning as we meet.
The title of this chapter stopped me before I could even begin reading the material. I literally began exploring the title of this chapter, “Looking Deeper.” As soon as I read those two words, I noticed something happening in my body. Just curious . . . do you notice something happen in your body when you read that title “Looking Deeper”?
I’ve been practicing mindfulness, presence, inquiry for decades so “when” I notice that “something” is happening, I intentionally feel a slowing, a focusing and sincere interest in a “not knowing” way. What I’m describing seems to me to be a “somatic curiosity.” I might have just made that term up.
I remember feeling something like a thrill-drop (again, my word) -- a dropping-downward sensation happening inside me, then simultaneously my mind began to interpret what was happening and what it meant. I recognize when that happens that it’s just what the mind does but in moments like what I’m describing, I want to “be in” the experience as it’s happening, fresh and new, to see what I don’t already know.
Exploring the Who, What, Where, and When
I’ve practiced this form of Inquiry for so long that my mind doesn’t need to think the questions every time. The Who, What and When were immediate and not at all separate – I recognized being the Curiosity right there in that now. There was no separation in the Who, What and When. It was the Where that enticed my Curiosity Window to open and explore. The depth was luxuriously dark, intimate and not locatable. I felt exquisite aloneness. Not loneliness. How can I describe this? There was no chatty narration happening. Silence. Oh, that sound of silence was lovely. And “I” was the only one in the space or whatever this depth is.
When I started actually reading the material in the chapter, synchronistically these were the words that lit up right away: “What is really going on here?” I’ve mentioned before that I read this book quite a few times ten years ago when I facilitated other groups and those words still remind me of a shining light that’s always available to us in life. I’ve learned to recognize the inner critic/judge and to use that question “What’s really going on?” as a way to disengage and stay with myself to see the truth. The truth I want to see may not be pretty, but I want to see what’s real. I’ve often used the phrase “I want the truth: the good, the bad, and the ugly.” (Note: That was also the name of a Clint Eastwood movie in 1966.)
One of the group members described his experience of dropping deeper and how it allows him to see the younger parts of himself that did not feel free to be who and what they were/are. He saw what he called a draconian superego judge to kind of keep each one in place. As I was feeling compassion for what he was describing, he spoke it. He said that he feels love and compassion each time he sees these parts that were not acceptable in his past.
Another group member shared how she’s learned that by allowing herself to stay with whatever feelings come up within herself, she often feels like her remembering “to feel” what’s happening is somehow helping others, maybe helping the world, because she feels compassion. She shared that it helps when she has the time and space to sense into her body and her reactions as her internal process works its way through her. She added that she finds it helpful having someone to support her in exploring these happenings for more understanding.
It's so true. We learn a lot of information, how to do this and that, and yet so often when the moment happens, the opportunity to use our tools that we’ve learned, our past programming shows up – our Default Mode Network (DMN). Anyone else see the word “DAMN”? (smiling)
Byron Brown describes how, what he terms “super ego attacks”, involve a self-image response. That self-image is who we take ourselves to be, a trace of a historical child self that became crystallized as an internal image. Isn’t this sad!? Here’s the other half of that scenario. That judging energy came from our history that’s connected to a specific “other-image” that was also internalized.
It's been helpful for me to recognize these images (self and other) as programs in my mind. Once I’m aware of what I call a program, I’m able to explore why it was created and whether it’s still useful or outdated. Now, I’ve had experience (feels like another lifetime) teaching computer programming, so that’s probably why I can relate to these images as programs. I’ve mentioned this to a number of (younger) people who said they could see how “phone apps” might be applicable. I found that association both funny and possibly helpful.
Bottom line: however we relate to these images, we need to explore and understand. I highly recommend working with someone to support mental structure explorations -- therapists, healers, facilitators – there’s quite a lot of support available.
I hope you enjoy reading my inquiry writings. I’m hoping to publish my next inquiry writing on Compassion next week. Let’s see how I do.
Our group will be meeting later this month to inquire together about the material in the next two chapters, Ch 16, Disidentifying and Ch 17, Spaciousness.
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